Our Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."  ~Marianne Williamson

Most of you will recognize the popular quote from the movie Coach Carter.  I am sitting here watching motivational videos on my Youtube channel and couldn't help but put my thoughts on paper.  We are now 27 days away from a monumental change in our families destiny.  This moment we have fought for is getting nearer by the day.  If you were to compare where we are now with where we were 560 days ago, most people would pass out.  

560 Days Ago:
Perfectly stable job
Perfectly stable income
Nice House
2 vehicles
Steadily increasing retirement account
Cable TV
Eating out regularly
Regular vacation time
Bills all up to date
One completely unfulfilled heart

27 Days from now:
Self employed 
Variable income
Abandoned house
1 P.O.S. vehicle
No retirement
No cable
Eat at home
No vacations *temporarily*
Eliminated all but essential bills
Feeling of living your destiny

In the, roughly, 600 days from the date I left my "desk job" until the point we move into our Florida house, my family and I have been on the most trying and difficult period of our lives.  There have been moments that have shaken me to the core and made me doubt the very fabric of my being.  There have been times where fear has literally paralyzed my soul.  In the process I've lost my retirement savings, nearly my marriage, my first real business, my cars, most of my furniture, my dog, and soon my house along with a bankruptcy.  In the truest sense, we have lost everything....except each other.  As my world came apart piece by piece, I slowly gained clarity.  I began to understand what it is I was meant to be.  

"It ain't about how hard you can hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep going" ~Rocky VI

We have taken our hits, many of them.  Each time, we knew, that this was just another stone in the path to our dreams.  Florida is coming, soon.  Even that, is only a small victory.  Once there, the toughest path in our journey still lay ahead of us.  One that has no safety net.  If we fail there, we fail without anything to fall back on, not even a moving truck to get us 1200 miles back to our family.  

Most people don't understand why we would want to put ourselves through all of this.  Why would we sacrifice such security to pursue something that may never happen and even if it does, it may mean more work.  I can't speak for those people, but I can speak for myself.  What are we living for if not for a dream.  What are we teaching our kids if we're not constantly trying to strive for something more. 

As for me and my kids, I vowed long ago never to allow my kids to experience the same childhood as me.  I will not surrender to mediocrity, nor will I allow my kids to ever think impossible exists.  

It is my hope, that my boys will experience the last portion of the quote from Marianne Williamson above. " as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  My hope is that fear never leaves my heart so that they may change the world.

Change

"Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice.  It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." 
― William Jennings Bryan

Change is an essential part of life.  It takes us from where we are to where we need to go.  Dictionary.com describes it as "to make the future course of something different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone"   Yet, as a society, we cling so tightly to what we know to be secure and safe and thus extinguish any hope of lighting the fire within us all.  Change can lead to so many things.  Change can lead to failure, fear, anxiety, embarrassment, and the loss of things we hold dear.  I would dare say that most view change with these words.  I challenge that notion and plead that no great things come without change.  Without change we are stagnant, we are chained to our present, afraid of our future, and regretting our past. 

It has been 513 days since I walked away from safety and security.  With a wife and two young sons, I chose to leave the financial security that would have provided for my family for decades to come.  I chose not to allow “the rut” to ruin another generation in my family.  I risked everything so that my boys would know “hope” and “dreams” and how to fight for both of them.  Sometimes it takes putting it all on the line and placing your faith in God to lead you. 

During that time, we founded an exciting company that has changed the lives of those around us.  That was followed by the failure and embarrassment as the company faltered and died.  At that point, all we had was faith.  With nothing to rely on to support the family, we struggled to hold on to anything.  We sold it all, everything we could in order to keep food on the table.  We collected unemployment to keep a roof over our heads.  The job market was all but dried up.  And then, we were told that we couldn’t collect unemployment, worse yet, we had to pay it all back!  It was in that moment when doubt begins to creep in.  When doubt starts to tell you that you may have made a gravely poor decision and now your family will suffer because of it.  We had no income, nothing left to sell, and now our own government has thrown us to the curb.

The amazing thing about creativity is that it shines when all else is dark.  Our minds came alive with idea’s, but we had doubts as to what might be viable.  We clasped on to anything in order to find something that would allow us to live.   Within weeks, there was light.  Not bright, but a solid glow. 

It was not long before “the rut” would show itself again.  It’s amazing how Satan always shows up near your weakest hour hoping to knock you off from God’s path.  Finally came a job offer, but an offer in engineering.  Could I go back to the life I fought so hard to escape?  For my family, I had to try. 

By the time the first day rolled around I could feel God pounding on my soul.  Nothing felt right.  The people were amazing, but my heart was shattered.  It was on day three that I began talking with those closest to me, namely my wife.  With the drive, I was now working 11 hour days.  I found myself heading down the path of my father, chasing the money.  I really grew up without a father.  Yes, I had a Dad, but I was always missing and praying for a Father.  In fact, I still do.  Now I was subjecting my sons to the same childhood and it was killing me. 

That night I made another major decision.  I, forever, stated that I would not go down quietly.  “The Rut” would not hold me or my family hostage.  I would be willing to surrender what little we had left in order to pursue our dreams and give our boys the future they deserve.  Little did I know what was still to come.

And So It Begins

"One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time"
~Andre Gide

I sit here at McDonalds, our weekly play date for our sons (3 and 5), thinking that I have no idea where life will take us over the next 4 to 5 months.  We spent the past year working on a business that didn't work out.  Spent every cent we had in that and are now left with nearly nothing.  We still have our house, our van (barely), our stuff, and most importantly, each other.

I'll digress for just a moment for some back story.  I spent the last 10 years as an electrical engineer working mostly on accounting and budgets.  I hated it, no, I detested it with a passion.  I felt myself stuck in the rut of corporate America and bound by the chains of my own careless spending right out of college.  I had also been a track coach, pole vault in particular, for those same 10 years.  THIS, was my passion.  I loved helping kids to achieve things that ordinary people choose not to achieve.

Now here I am,  twice choosing the risky road over the "play it safe for now" road.  Twice choosing to run down a dream I've been chasing for many years.

This blog is a way for me to provide an outlet for my struggles, my dreams, and my story....our story.  As a man, a father, a husband, an uncle, a coach, an entrepreneur, and a dreamer, I hope to provide something that each of you can take and apply to your own life in some way.  Rarely does there come a point in ones life where they have that ability to run down their dream.  I do, right now.